Lies and Lunatics

This post is extra close to home for me. Gentlemen may step out for this portion of the evening. Today's topic is what I call "The Great Breastfeeding Myth; breaking the silence". Before the Laleche crowd grabs their pitchforks hear me out: Breastfeeding is great and by far the best nutritional choice for your baby. It is NOT "the greatest gift you can give your child". That would be, I don't know...decent parents maybe? A happy home? Or even, say, vaccinations against potentially lethal childhood diseases for crying out loud? All this to say: Way too much pressure. Way. And this is coming from an avid breastfeeder. But while you're still vulnerably open to stupid opinions (you develop some immunity after aunt Betty recommends Pablem at a week old or uncle Roger swears a touch of whiskey will help them sleep better...not kidding. You develop some kind of smile-and-nod shield against Stupid.) Some hospital nurses will have you convinced that a bottle of formula is tantamount to force-feeding your kid cyanide or leaving them out for wild dingos...(Nestle. Who knew...Kit Kats seemed so innocent...)

Second point: Hospital posters lie. While you're recovering from whichever way you wind up ejecting your little bundle of joy, they bombard you with serene black and white propaganda photos of blissfully joyful new moms staring down peacefully as they nurse their perfectly proportioned nearly-sleeping infants. lies lies lies. Lies and the delusional lunatics who propagate them. It took everything I had not to grab a permanent marker and scribble on every stupid poster an evil maniacal gleam and snapping jaws on the purple swollen-faced kid (who by the way looks like something that was dragged out of a river for a least the first day) and a scream of anguished torment on its unfortunate maternal victim who should look like she hasn't slept in days and is at that moment wondering how our species survived this long. That said, I still think breastfeeding is the best thing for Baby so it's a challenge worth facing but be warned: Breastfeeding is Everest. Would-be moms: I don't care what the white-coated crazies say: there is nothing natural or intuitive about breastfeeding. You don't know what you're doing and neither does the little creature snapping at you like its a self-serve buffet (where all the chefs leave in agony and rethink their line of work...). It hurts like hell. Okay for the sake of comparative perspective: Labor sucked, breastfeeding was worse. I poured paint thinner all over my arms once. Breastfeeding was worse (apparently it isn't an efficient hair-remover...don't ask. Teens are dumb). Cracked a rib coughing after a three-month bout of pneumonia. Breastfeeding was worse. Put my head through a car windshield last fall and spent three weeks recovering from a concussion: Breastfeeding? you got it: way worse. Now I won't claim the experience is equally grueling for every new mom. Only that a healthy dose of realism would go a long way with frightened first-timers and that it is number one on my list of seriously-under-rated-new-parent-things that should terrify you. (by the way, that list includes black-tar poop, your second night with baby and any and all subsequent sexual activities involving boobs.)

I also had a lot of trouble with nursing for lots of reasons some of which were medical. I've come through it now and after almost two months of tears, trials and more lactation consultants than any sane person would see. (Some if which were godsends and some of which need a one way ticket back to whatever aggressive fascist anti-formula regime spawned them...) Jade and I have sort of found our nursing groove. But everything flooded back in an angry flood of all-too-recent memories when Marc went to pick up a breastpump we bought from a young woman who was crying her eyes out even as she gave it to him. Despite all her efforts her son just wouldn't nurse and she was utterly heartbroken and so burdened with shame from all the pressure. My husband looked at her and said "you know what? No matter what people think or say, nobody loves your son more than you do".

Amen, Brother.